Fault
by Aramira
Summary: Rogue overhears a conversation that blames her for Jean's death, and she realizes she agrees. Set post X2. Rating for mature themes. I beg, plead and pray for reviews. NEW CHAPTER UP!
1. Discovery

A/N: I in no way condone or recommend self-mutilation; this is simply an exploration of where Rogue could have gone after Jean's death.

Discovery

"It's your fault. It's your fault she died." The words echoed through her head as she sat in the dark, her hands wrapped around her knees. She rocked unknowingly and tears stained her face. She wanted to deny those words, to refute them with fact, but they were true. It had been her fault though she'd only been trying to help. Yet another way she was less than useless.

She wanted to scream, she wanted to do violence, anything to make the near overwhelming pain of truth ease. Instead she rolled onto her side and rested her cheek on the cool wood of the floor. She didn't deserve a bed, she didn't deserve the clothes she wore or the food she ate. She didn't deserve the space she took up, she didn't deserve the friends she had, she didn't deserve to live.

Morning came and her face was the same as it always was, tinged with the sadness of loss but no more or less than anyone else's. She tried not to avoid Bobby and she didn't have to avoid Logan. She did her schoolwork and attended Danger Room sessions; she even sat in the TV room with the other students. Once in a while she was able to forget, if only for a moment, that she hadn't killed Jean and nearly killed them all.

But when the truth came crashing back down on her she was swept under again. She could usually keep it together until she was safely in her room where the tears let vent to her agony. Recently she had stepped on something sharp, a small piece of the glass she had knocked off her night table. For the brief moment the pain and shock had eclipsed her other pain.

She watched her foot bleed in the bathroom, watched the blood drip slowly to the floor and puddle there. As the pain in her foot subsided her real pain crept back in. The next day she felt the pain as she walked, then in class she found herself repeatedly pressing her foot to the floor to feel the pain flare and ache. She was unexpectedly soothed.

That night she stole a knife from the kitchen. Alone in her room, the tears fresh in her eyes, she slid the blade across her thigh. She hissed with the burning pain then focused on it as the cut slowly bloomed red. She did it again, then a third time. She put the knife reverently into her night table drawer. When the blood started to clot she pulled at her skin to re-open the wound.

She focused so intently on her leg that she was surprised to see it was almost midnight when she could no longer draw blood by her bare hands. She brushed her teeth and carefully bandaged her leg before falling exhausted into bed. In the morning she touched the knife before leaving for class.

During the day she would press on her thigh whenever she felt her guilt and pain start to overwhelm her and she would calm. At dinner she was talking to Bobby when Logan walked into the room, she wasn't the only one to notice him pointedly ignore her. She felt her face flush and she excused herself and bolted to her room.

She wanted to take her knife out right then but she had homework to attend to. _Must fit in_, was her mantra, she wouldn't be a further burden by making them worry about her grades. She finished her homework and got into the shower where memories invaded in trickles until she was completely lost in them.

It was just after Jean's funeral, she was walking aimlessly through the grounds and found herself in the garden. She must have been walking quietly and downwind because Logan and Storm never noticed her presence.

"She never should have gone outside." Storm was saying.

"She had to, she had to buy us time to get the jet off the ground." Logan told her.

"She shouldn't have had to save us." Storm was talking quietly, almost to herself. Rogue felt bad for eavesdropping but she also felt rooted to the spot.

"What do you mean?"

"The jet was damaged, that's why she had to go outside, I couldn't get the jet started."

"That wasn't your fault Storm." Logan's voice was firm.

"No, it wasn't my fault. But it was someone's fault." The silence was heavy and Rogue was suddenly dizzy with precognition. "It's Rogue's fault, _she_ was the one who tried to fly the jet, _she_ was the one that crashed it. It's her fault Logan, and I hate her for it." Storm began to cry and Rogue had to sit down on a bench in order to avoid passing out.

_She was right!_ Her mind screamed at her, Storm was right, it was her fault. What ego had ever made her think she could fly? _You were just trying to be helpful_. Another part of her said. But it didn't matter, she had screwed up, again, but this time it had cost someone their life. Someone everyone at the mansion loved, someone Logan had loved. Then Logan spoke and her whole body went cold.

"Yeah, maybe you're right. She could have taken Jean's powers and sacrificed herself instead, but she didn't." Rogue stood on numb legs and fled, she ran blindly and encountered no one as she plunged into the woods. She ran until her lungs felt as though they would explode, then she dropped to her knees and wailed. Her grief became guilt in the hours she spent in the woods and then in her room. When she emerged the next day Rogue was changed, though no one noticed it.

She got out of the shower and dried off, then put her pyjamas on and sat on her bed, then she took out her knife. She stroked the wooden handle before resting the blade on her leg; she studied the glint on the cold steel before she drew it across her pale skin like a bow. The music it made was silent but no less beautiful.

Three weeks later she had to move onto her arms since her legs were full of the small cuts she had come to treasure. She tried cutting her lower legs but it felt wrong somehow so she tried her left forearm instead. It seemed right and her gloves would hide the damage. When she was forced to cut her right arm with her left she got sloppy and cut deeper than she had planned.

She started to get worried when the blood flow was enough to force her into the bathroom and hold her arm above the sink as the tiny crimson waterfall threatened discovery. She was mostly afraid that she'd need stitches, and with stitches came questions. And with questions came accusations. Eventually the blood flow slowed and she had to rinse her knife and clean the sink. She put her knife away, determined to not use it again unless she _really_ needed to.

She lasted a whole week before she had a dream. In it she did what Logan had said, she'd taken Jean's power and taken her place outside the jet, and just as the water crashed over her she woke. Rogue fell to the floor in the bathroom as she retched into the toilet. Her rational brain told her she would have had no way of knowing Jean's plans so therefore no way to change the outcome. But it didn't help.

She rinsed her mouth before going back to bed. But she couldn't sleep. She ached to take the knife in the drawer and slice away her pain but she was completely unable to move. Instead she swished thoughts around in her head as tears stained her pillow. At some point she fell asleep.

She started to pull away from Bobby and her friends. She should have been hurt that Bobby and Kitty seemed to be getting closer but instead she found herself happy. If they had each other then her absence wouldn't be as noticeable. Rogue was now disappearing into her room right after dinner and simply lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling. Sometimes crying, sometimes not.

She hadn't taken her knife out again since she had cut herself so badly but she couldn't keep her mind off of it. It would be so much better to not feel the pain she was in, for a distraction from the truth that would be real enough to focus on. Slowly her resolve broke down and after seeing Logan in the hallway she opened her drawer.

He usually pretended not to see her but they had turned corner to find themselves only feet apart and facing each other. Neither had spoke but she clearly saw the pain and accusation in his face. She tried to beg forgiveness with her eyes but they must have betrayed her because Logan had grunted and turned away.

She drew out the knife in a ritualistic fashion and sat with it on her hand for half an hour before she took her jeans off. She sat in her panties and t-shirt, her hair in her face and slowly lowered the knife to her flesh. She again felt the sting and ache from the blade and she was struck with an idea.

She got temporary relief from her small cuts, why not go for permanent relief? Do everyone a favor and just disappear? She could stop being the freak among freaks, the untouchable danger. She could stop sucking up the resources of the school, she could make things better, if not right. She could never make them right, but maybe she could redeem herself.

Rogue suddenly felt lighter, she had made a decision on what to do, but when? She put her knife away and as she brushed her teeth she made the second decision, Thursday. The last decision was the easiest; it had really been made a month ago.

She took the next two days composing her letter; she would address some of it to The Professor, some to Scott, part to Storm but most of it to Logan. Thursday afternoon she thought was best, they would discover her letter that afternoon, possibly after classes, then Friday things would be dealt with and things could go back to some sort of normal by Monday.

Dear Professor,

Firstly thank you for all you tried to do with me, I really appreciated the way you tried to help me. I am very sorry that I wasn't worth it in the end. I hope that by my leaving someone more deserving can come to the school and be able to give back in ways I never could.

Dear Scott,

I know now what should have happened on the jet at Alkali Lake, and I have no real words to describe how sorry I am that Jean's gone. I just hope that someday you can forgive me for causing her the need to sacrifice herself for the rest of us. Her loss was one the whole world should be grieving for.

Dear Storm,

You were right and all I can say is that I'm sorry. It should have been me who died, not Jean, I should have never tried to fly the jet, it's just another in the long list of things I screwed up. I won't be in the way anymore and I hope that not seeing my face will help you get past your grief.

Dear Bobby,

I hope you find all the happiness you deserve with someone you can have a real relationship with. Maybe Kitty will be her, who knows? Don't waste your time worrying about me, I'll be okay now.

Dear Logan,

I know no words will make things all right again, but I guess I have to try. I'm sorry I was worse than useless yet again. I've caused you and everyone else so much trouble just by being around, I hope that once I'm gone that you and everyone else can maybe heal and move on. I know no one will ever forget Jean, how could they? She was perfect; she was everything I never was even though I tried really hard. I really did try did you know? I'm just not cut out for this hero thing, hell, I'm not even cut out for this stay-out-of-the-way-and-don't-cause-trouble thing.

I know my being around will only cause more problems so I've decided to stop taking up valuable space here. My mutation doesn't help anyone, you of all people should know the horror of it. Even if it was gone though I'm clearly no help so it doesn't make sense for me to stick around. I hope you can forgive me but I just can't keep going on as if I'm just another student. Goodbye.

She was satisfied with her work and she put it in her drawer with her knife, all ready for the next day.

Rogue attended her morning classes but feigned illness for her afternoon classes and Danger Room session. She passed Logan in the hallway as she went towards her room for the final time. She was suddenly struck by a new kind of pain, the one where you know you're seeing someone for the last time.

She didn't say anything or move differently but he must have sensed something was different because he met her eye for the first time in months. Neither gaze gave anything away but it was as intimate as they'd ever been with each other. In a moment it was over and they were both moving on.

Rogue closed the door and locked it; she didn't want anyone to interrupt her tasks. She readied the room and then her things before changing her clothes. She opened the windows and took a moment to breathe in the fresh air before sitting on her bed for her final farewell. She took the note out of her drawer and put it under a book on her night table. Then she took out her knife.

Rogue went into her bathroom and locked the door. She sat on the floor of her shower and said goodbye. Her first cut was deep, the second deeper and by the third cut she was starting to feel dizzy. She put her faithless friend on the floor next to her and closed her eyes as the floor of the shower started to fill with her shame.

Just as her pain started to slip down the rain with her blood Rogue heard a voice inside her head. _NO!_

A/N: So readers? What happens next? Does Rogue live or does she die?

Also: I in no way condone or recommend suicide, I think it's the worst possible solution to any problem, no matter how awful the situation.


	2. Consequences

Discovery

A/N: I in no way condone or recommend self-mutilation or suicide; this is simply an exploration of where Rogue could have gone after Jean's death. Also, I have limited medical knowledge so please forgive any blatant mistakes.

Consequences

Charles' head snapped back with the force of the voice that reverberated through his awareness. His mind was invaded and with a flash he saw Rogue in her bathroom and all that had led up to it. He immediately sought out the nearest senior member to her room.

_Scott, get to Rogue's room, she's bleeding, hurry!_ Scott was startled by the sudden urgent intrusion and accompanying image but he instantly broke into a run. He didn't pause as he approached the door but blasted right through it and went straight to the bathroom.

What he saw made his stomach turn but he didn't hesitate in wrapping towels around her arms to staunch the flow of blood. He was alarmed when his bare hands brushed her skin and he didn't feel the sucking that Logan had once described. He took a second longer to throw her robe around her before he picked her up and ran towards the med lab.

Storm and the new doctor met him along the way. "What happened?" Storm asked.

"I think she tried to kill herself." Scott said, he was disturbed by the lack of blood coming form the deep wounds on her arms.

"She did." Charles' voice came from the med lab right in front of them. His voice was grim, as was his face and the glance he threw to Storm. She and the doctor were taking the robe off of the girl. Storm gasped at what she saw on the near-naked girl.

Old cuts lined both her thighs in long equally spaced stripes, similar marks decorated her left arm, some were fresh and some were quite old. The soles of her feet and her hands were stained with her blood but the rest of her body was completely clean. The two cuts on her left arm and the single one on her right were gaping and now only seeping. Scott averted his eyes.

The doctor snapped on his gloves and worked quickly, he applied temporary tourniquets above her cuts then inserted two IV's above those and got blood flowing into her. He put monitors on her and took her blood pressure. "Fifty over thirty." He mumbled. Next he inserted a central line and started a saline solution which he got Storm to squeeze.

Suddenly the monitors started to pulse quickly and the doctor leapt towards a new machine halfway across the room. He was on the way back when the monitors shrieked their high pitched single tone. Storm dropped the saline bag and started pushing the cold girls' chest in a near-frantic resuscitation attempt. "Clear" The doctor ordered and Storm stepped back.

Storm and Scott both jumped as Rogue's lifeless body jerked. The insidious tone blipped twice before shrieking failure yet again. She was shocked again, and again, and again. It went on for endless minutes before the blip stayed a blip. Storm relaxed her shoulders as the girls' pulse steadied and even slightly increased.

The doctor continued adding blood and fluids, checking and re-checking her vitals as he worked. He loosened the tourniquets and monitored the blood loss through the cuts. Once he was satisfied they were bleeding enough he flushed them with more saline and started to sew them up. He didn't bother with anesthetic since the Professor could keep her unconscious enough to not feel any pain. He worked swiftly, knowing that she might need plastic surgery in the future to lessen the ugly scars she would have if she survived.

Just as he finished her heart-rate skyrocketed and she had to be shocked several more times. "We should get Logan." Storm said.

"Not yet." Charles told her. The doctor started administering different drugs and he seemed satisfied after another twenty minutes. Scott was pacing and Storm was helping the doctor, but Charles was trying to identify the voice that had alerted him. It had seemed so familiar yet alien at the same time. He tried following the path it had created but he was blocked at every stage. Whenever a flicker would give him a frustrating clue it would be snuffed out. Finally he decided to worry about it later; he had a more pressing issue.

Finally the doctor spoke, "She's stable."

"Is she going to be ok?" Scott asked.

"That's hard to tell at this point, she lost a lot of blood, more than half in fact, and she was essentially dead several times. Her body will most likely heal though there could be permanent damage to her heart, lungs and brain."

The lab was quiet except for the sounds of the monitors. Charles probed carefully into Rogue's consciousness and left her to sleep. "Scott, go get Logan, Storm, come with me." Charles said as he wheeled towards the doors.

They left the doctor to monitor Rogue as they went towards their unpleasant tasks.

Scott found Logan in the Danger Room wondering why Storm hadn't shown up, he was even more surprised when Scott came in halfway through and ordered him to come with him. Logan would normally have ignored him but the look on his face told him not to. "What?"

"It's Rogue."

"What about her?"

"She's in the med lab." Logan just looked blankly at him so Scott continued, "She tried to kill herself."

"What? When?" Finally Scott saw some emotion cross the man's face.

"About two hours ago, the doctor says she's stable now."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"The Professor didn't want you there." Scott braced himself since it looked Logan was about to hit him but instead he turned and left. Scott sighed and followed him.

Charles led Storm to Rogue's room, past a few confused students and through the hole that used to be Rogue's bedroom door. Storm went into the bathroom and covered her mouth in horror at the blood-filled shower. When she came out Charles had a piece of paper in his hand which he handed to her wordlessly.

"We have failed her." Was all he said as Storm read the letter, tears showing in her eyes but not falling. "I don't know how, but I know what started this, she heard you and Logan in the garden after Jean's funeral, blaming her for Jean's death."

Storm remembered that conversation, she had been angry and looking for someone to blame, she didn't really blame Rogue, it was just an excuse to hide her own feelings of helplessness over what happened. Logan had spoken, _'Yeah, maybe you're right. She could have taken Jean's powers and sacrificed herself instead, but she didn't.'_ Storm had though he agreed with her but he had continued talking a moment later.

"And maybe it's The Professor's fault for only leaving me behind to guard the school, and mine for not defending it well enough. After all we never would have been there if not for rescuing the children. There's no place for blame in Jean's world you know." Storm had nodded finally, knowing he was right.

"Is this my fault?" She said as her eyes met his. He didn't answer for a while and Storm sat on the bed.

"No, not alone. It was all of ours, including Rogue's. We should have noticed how hard she was taking it. But I suppose most of us were more worried about Scott and Logan. I'm going to make an announcement later and I think we should make sure none of the other students are drowning and not asking for help." Charles took the note back from Storm.

"I don't like to look into peoples' mind uninvited, but perhaps I should have peeked just a little, it seems a teenaged girl, even one Rogue's age, can get lost at the slightest provocation."

"I need to apologize." Storm said, clearly anguished. Charles put his hand on hers.

"There will be time for that later. For now I think we need to deal with Logan." Storm laughed a little and this time her tears escaped. She followed the Professor down to the med lab where they found it to be eerily quiet.

Logan was standing over Rogue who was barely covered in a sheet across her torso. The old and new cuts on her body screaming out her now-public pain. Scott stood behind him, not sure what to do if Logan tried to touch her. He turned with relief when the Professor entered the room.

"Logan, can I speak to you outside please?" Logan didn't move so Charles asked him again, this time inside his head. Logan finally turned and followed him out of the room, running a hand through his hair. He handed Logan the note, Logan spoke before looking at it.

"Is she going to be all right?" Charles told him what had gone on in the lab. "Why didn't you come get me? She didn't have to go through all that." Logan's anger came from his feeling of helplessness.

"I'm not sure that's true Logan. I wouldn't have let her die but I'm also not going to exploit your mutation." In truth Charles was on he verge of calling Logan several times during the ordeal. Logan was trying to figure out what he was feeling when he remembered the paper in his hand.

By the time he was done reading he was blinking back tears. "I had no idea."

"None of us did." Charles decided not to tell Logan about Rogue overhearing his and Storm's conversation in the garden. Storm or Rogue would probably mention it at some point, and perhaps the swearing would be kept to a minimum if it came from one of them.

"I can heal her, I can make her better." The anguish in Logan's voice was hard to deny.

"No. Maybe later but not now. She needs to be confronted with what she's done and if her scars are gone it will be more like a memory than a reality."

"But you said you don't know how deep the damage goes. What if her heart stops again? What if she has brain damage? What if-?"

"Logan, if something happens that requires your mutation I assure you I will let you know. I do not intent to lose Rogue after all that's happened. Now we should let her rest."

"She's not in pain is she?"

"The doctor has her sedated for now, she shouldn't be feeling anything at all right now."

"I want to stay with her a bit longer."

"All right, but I want your word you won't touch her."

"I won't heal her." Charles knew that was the best he was going to get so he took the note from Logan and left.

Logan went to Rogue's side and stroked her hair. Then he put on a pair of latex gloves and traced every one of her cuts. "How did we miss this? How did I?" His voice was soft and he took her small hand, cupping it between his larger, and much warmer ones.

He bowed his head for a long time before replacing her hand next to her on the bed. She was too cold. Logan searched and soon found a couple of blankets, he draped them over her prone body and leaned down to whisper in her ear. "Come back to us Rogue. You were wrong, you're not in the way, we need you here. _I_ need you here. I'm sorry we haven't talked. I thought you needed your space, you and Bobby and your friends. I thought I reminded you of all the bad things that happened. I'm sorry Rogue, we were both wrong. Come back, come back and we'll make it right."

Logan wanted to stay, but she really did need to rest, and between the machines and the doctor she was in good hands.

Rogue was inside her head, trying to slip into oblivion but something, no, some_one, _was keeping her awake.

"Why am I not dead?"

_I warned The Professor_.

"Why?" Somehow Rogue was unconcerned as to how the voice knew what was going on.

_I couldn't let you die._

"Why not?"

He _needs you._

"Who?"

_The Wolverine._

"Logan? He doesn't need me, I was always in the way, in the way of all of them."

_That is your perception._

Rogue shook her figurative head, "I'm too dangerous. Magneto nearly killed New York using me, Logan nearly died saving me. Jean did die saving all of us. Just touching me means death, even for Logan."

_You have good to do in the world._

"How? I'm not a scholar, I'm not a fighter, my mutation-"

_Has saved your life twice._

"And nearly killed Logan! How can I live with that?"

_Others have lived with worse._

"Like killing the woman my best friend was in love with?"

_Jean? She sacrificed herself willingly._

"She shouldn't have had to, I was the one that crashed the jet."

_Stop being so selfish child!_ The voice was suddenly different, very angry and the weight of that voice made Rogue feel as though she would split into a million pieces. _Your self-pity sickens me. Grow up!_

"I'm sorry!" She cried out, not knowing she cried out in the night, not just her mind. The voice returned, the same that had woken her the first.

_Yes, you are sorry, that is good, maybe with sorry comes awareness, and with that, healing._

"I'm going to live then?" Rogue wasn't sure she was okay with that.

_Yes, you will, though there will be consequences._

"What if I don't want to live?" The voice chuckle and Rogue's heart froze as she recognized the voice. In the med lab the doctor looked up the heart monitor showed three unusual blips, signs her heart had inexplicably skipped. He sighed with relief, her muttering in her sleep and her strong heart-rate despite the unusual skips meant she would most likely recover fully.

_I don't think Logan will give you that choice._

"He shouldn't do that, it's too dangerous."

_We all do dangerous things when the people we love are concerned._

"Jean?"

_Yes?_

"Are you really dead?"

_No Rogue, but no one else will know that yet. You will not remember._

"But I _want_ to! I think I need to."

_All right, you will remember this but not me._

"Jean?"

_Yes?_

"Thank you."

_Goodbye Rogue._


	3. Repercussions

Discovery Repercussions

Rogue opened her eyes to the penetrating light of the med lab. She moved slightly to assess her status, she found tubes in her arms and her chest, an oxygen tube under her nose, both arms bandaged and that it was agony to breathe. "I'm still alive." She whispered.

"Not for lack of trying I can tell you that." A voice said from her left, she turned her head to see the doctor.

"What happened?"

"The Professor sent Mr. Summers to get you. You coded and we had to resuscitate you multiple times. That's why your chest hurts."

"Oh." Rogue turned her head to stare at the ceiling.

"You're thinking that was a lot of fuss for just you right?" Rogue nodded. "You think very little of yourself don't you?" Another nod. "If you had seen their faces…" He trailed off for a moment. "I'm going to show you what went on, I don't want you to be scared, it can't hurt you."

Rogue turned her face towards him and let him touch her eyes with his gloved fingertips. She felt a mental lurch then she was watching herself be carried into the lab by Scott. She watched and listened as the Professor told them she'd tried to kill herself. Then she watched as they worked to save her life. She felt shame fill her. Then Logan walked in.

Logan was a killing machine, but he was also a creature of emotion. He was unable to keep his feelings out of his eyes and it was that that haunted Rogue, the pain in his face at Jean's death had been too much for her to see. She wondered how Scott managed to stand it. When Logan walked in he looked angry. His face slipped from anger to helplessness to pain to sadness then back to anger again.

She saw Scott behind him, his gaze never wavered from Logan. Rogue saw Logan's hand reach out towards her but he stopped a second after his hand started moving, having sensed Scott tense slightly behind him. The Professor walked in and they all three left the room.

Another break as the doctor hadn't seen or heard what went on outside the room. Then Logan returned. Logan went to Rogue's side and stroked her hair. Then he put on a pair of latex gloves and traced every one of her cuts. "How did we miss this? How did I?" His voice was soft and he took her hand in his.

He bowed his head for a long time before replacing her hand next to her on the bed. He got up to search for something, soon returning with a couple of blankets, which he draped over her. He leaned down to whisper in her ear. "Come back to us Rogue. You were wrong, you're not in the way, we need you here. _I_ need you here. I'm sorry we haven't talked. I thought you needed your space, you and Bobby and your friends. I thought I reminded you of all the bad things that happened. I'm sorry Rogue, we were both wrong. Come back, come back and we'll make it right." Then he left.

Tears were in her eyes as the doctor lifted his hand and they spilled down her face as she opened them. "Do not be ashamed. Shame will only take you backwards. Remember the love." She nodded her thanks. "You need to rest, you were talking before, I'll give you a sedative and you can sleep."

Rogue nodded and as she was drifting off she remembered the conversation with the voice. She couldn't focus though and soon was lost to oblivion. She woke much later and found the pain in her chest hadn't eased but two of her IV's, including the one in her chest, as well as the oxygen tube were gone. She heard the steady blip of her heartbeat on the monitor.

Slowly she began to cry. She turned onto her side and wept. All the pain she'd been oppressing and channeling through her knife now bled through her tears. The pain in her chest swelled to near unbearable but the beat was steady so she knew her pain was a symptom of her weakness not her injury. Exhausted she fell into slumber once again.

She was woken by a gentle voice within her mind. She opened her eyes and greeted the Professor then asked, "What time is it?"

"It's just after dinner on Friday."

"Does everyone know?"

"No, just the teachers." Rogue nodded. "We need to talk. Are you feeling up to it?"

"I'm ok."

"When did it start?" His voice was kind.

"A couple weeks after the funeral."

"Why didn't you speak to anyone about it?" Rogue looked away and was silent for a while before speaking.

"I didn't want to burden anyone."

"Burdens are eased when shared, especially with friends who feel the same loss."

"But none of them were at fault."

"It wasn't your fault either Rogue."

"I know that now." Charles saw something flicker in her eyes.

"What is it?"

"I don't know exactly, I remember...something, a presence. We talked."

"If it's ok with you I'd like to take a look." Rogue nodded and the Professor put his hands to the sides of her head. She felt his presence enter her mind and probe the memory of the voice that spoke to her. "I'm being blocked, not by you but by whom or whatever has been inside you." He took his hands from her, "Perhaps we will explore that later."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not you that's blocking me Rogue."

"No. I mean for everything. I'm sorry I didn't deal with things very well, I'm sorry I didn't ask for help, I'm sorry I caused such a fuss." Her smile was sad but he was relieved to not see any despair in it.

"We would do all of it again and more for you, for anyone here. I wish you had felt you had been able to speak to someone about your feelings Rogue. And I wish we had been more attentive to your pain." She looked at him and the pain he saw in her eyes wasn't her own.

"You had Scott to worry about. He's had the hardest time I think." He sighed.

"It's not been easy for anyone, we all have our own pain to deal with Rogue. Some dealt with it better than others." She hung her head. "I don't mean you though that's certainly true as well, I meant Ororo."

"What do you mean?" Puzzlement clear in her voice.

"That presence in your mind, it was in mine too, it showed me that you needed help, it also showed me why. I spoke to Storm about what she said the day of Jean's funeral, you have to know that what she said she didn't mean, not really. I think you should talk to her about it, she wants to apologize."

"Apologize? To me?" He smiled at her.

"Yes, to you. I think we all owe you an apology." He stopped and looked faraway for a moment. "Logan's coming."

"Is he mad?"

"Oh yes, but not at you. You'll have to be gentle with him for a bit Rogue. He's had a lot to deal with. Jean's death was hard on him in a unique way, he loved her but she didn't return his feelings, it's been hard for him to grieve. He's not used to having people to care for and with her death and almost losing you he's dealing with emotions he hasn't had to before."

Her smile was sardonic and he returned it as the Wolverine entered the room. "Hi Logan." Rogue said softly. He stopped in his tracks, suddenly afraid to approach her. The Professor started to wheel out of the room.

"We'll talk later Rogue." She nodded at him before she tried to meet Logan's eyes, she dropped her gaze as her face reddened and she shifted in the bed, she grunted as her chest shifted.

"Are you ok?" Logan said stepping towards her. "All right, dumb question." He finished as she shot him an incredulous look.

"I'm doing better." It was a wild generalization but she knew it to be true.

"Why?" His voice was more strained than she'd ever heard it.

"There's no one reason Logan." He nodded and she spent fifteen minutes trying to explain what had brought her to this point. About halfway through he got up and started pacing.

"Why didn't you come to me? Or to the Professor?" She hadn't mentioned hearing him the day of the funeral but she did now.

"You're such an idiot Marie." Her heart lurched at the use of her real name but still her shame held her still. "I never blamed you, there's no place to lay real blame, it's just something that happened that we all have to live with. You didn't hear the whole conversation then?" She shook her head and he filled her in. Somehow the knowledge that she was wrong about he and Storm blaming her didn't make much of a difference. He stood with his back to her, living in some memory.

"You should have come to me." He said finally.

"How could ah Logan? Ah thought you agreed, you avoided me, you avoided everyone. Ah know you loved her, ah couldn't make it any harder for you." Emotion brought her accent out stronger. "Ah thought it would be better if ah was gone."

"But why suicide? You're no stranger to the road Rogue."

"I didn't want anyone to use me like Magneto did, and without you around I wouldn't have had any protection." She was thinking of what the Professor had said about being careful with Logan when she made the statement. With her mutation she didn't have to fear anyone.

They were silent for a long time, each in their own thoughts. Logan broke the silence by slowly extending his claws. "You asked me if it hurt when they came out. How could you cut yourself like that Marie?"

She took a deep breath which she instantly regretted as she was made dizzy from the sudden pain. "It started by accident." She told him about stepping on the glass, "It gave me something to focus on, something physical that I could control." He sighed.

"I guess I know what you mean, it's the same for me when I fight."

"Really?" The hope in her voice nearly brought him to tears.

"We're not as alone as we sometimes think we are. The Professor showed me that. You showed me that."

"Logan." Her voice cracked and she started to cry, then he was there, holding her and shushing her. She cried for a few minutes before he suddenly pushed her back.

"Marie." He looked towards his hands. On her bare arms.

"What's going on?" Her voice held surprise, hope and fear.

"I don't know." She raised her face to look at him and they both smiled.

"I can touch!" Suddenly the pain in her arms and chest were minor matters. She looked in wonder as she was able to run her fingers along Logan's arms without feeling that horrible pull. He let her run her fingers and hands over his arms and then to touch his face. He watched her face as she touched him, it was transformed, the isolation she had worn like a shroud was gone and she was intensely beautiful.

"Congratulations kid." She smiled up at him then threw her arms around him.

"Ow!" She dropped her arms and clutched them to her chest. He helped her back onto the bed.

"Maybe you should rest now?"

"Yeah." Her voice was filled with pain but her smile hadn't wavered. "Will you tell the Professor?"

"Sure, whatever you want. We'll talk later though ok?"

"I'd like that." He kissed her forehead then left. The doctor gave Rogue some pain medication and she fell asleep almost immediately. She woke just after midnight and was starving. The doctor was asleep so she thought to sneak up to the kitchen but when she disconnected her heart monitor the doctor was halfway to her bed before he realized she was ok.

"What are you doing?"

"I was going to go to the kitchen."

"I can get you something, you shouldn't be walking around yet." Rogue sighed but followed his direction and in fifteen minutes she was eating microwave lasagna. "I'll take the IV out in the morning if you're moving your fluids. Then you can wander around."

Rogue took an unsteady walk to the bathroom and was glad she hadn't tried to get to the kitchen on her own. She felt stronger in the morning and the doctor took out her IV and let her go for a walk on her own to the locker rooms. She felt incredibly weak and slept another few hours afterwards.

She was just considering asking the doctor to get her some lunch when Logan walked in with a plate. "Thought you might be hungry."

"I'm starving, thank you." He handed her the plate and poured her a glass of water from the table next to her. She ate self-consciously as he sat there, not watching her but not not watching either.

"I told the Professor about your mutation. He said he'd be down later to see about it."

"What did he tell everyone?"

"That you caught a flu and that you were in quarantine." She nodded. "Will you tell anyone?"

"I don't know."

"How are you feeling?"

"Tired, sore, grateful. I might even be happy."

"Because of your mutation?"

"Partly." She told him about the presence in her mind while she was out and what she'd decided. "I was being selfish."

"You were hurting." He defended her.

"That's true but I forgot about why I stayed here in the first place. You talked me into it but after I gave it a chance I was actually happy here. I forgot that people here cared about me. I won't forget again."

"Glad to hear it."

"Thanks for bringing me lunch."

"You trying to get rid of me?"

"No, I just thought you'd have better things to do on a Saturday afternoon."

"Nope." He replied and pulled out a remote and turned the wall monitor onto a hockey game.

"This game is from the nineties Logan."

"So?"

"Never mind." She shook her head and lay back as he moved his chair next to her bed. Her ribs weren't broken but all the connective tissue had been damaged and it hurt like hell to move, never mind breathe. She dozed off during the game and when she woke Logan was holding her hand. She just stared at her bare skin on his and thanked whomever might be listening for the miracle that had come from her near-tragedy.

**A/N: I don't think this story is over yet…do you?**


	4. Reparations

Reparations A/N: I don't own any of the X-men…sigh. Reparations

"Is she really ok or is she telling us what she wants us to hear?" Storm asked the Professor a couple days later. Her, Scott, Logan and the Professor were in his office, discussing Rogue who seemed the same as always, though they were all now well aware that was no true barometer.

"I believe she is Ororo." Charles told them. "I'm going to require her to attend daily sessions with me but I am sure that the crisis has been averted. We will be working on her feelings of inadequacy and finding better ways for her to channel her pain but I am confident that she can safely be left alone."

Storm nodded. She had spoken to Rogue before she had left the lab and had apologized. She had been impressed by the grace the young woman had shown in forgiving her and holding no grudge. Though she felt that Rogue was hiding something from her Storm felt compelled to let the conversation lie.

"Is her mutation still gone?" Scott asked.

"Yes, but I don't know for how long. It could be that her body was forced to work so hard just to survive that her mutation was suppressed. It may come back in a few days, a few weeks or not at all."

"How do you think she'll handle it if it comes back?" Scott asked.

"She'll handle it fine." Logan growled.

"We can't know that." Scott said.

"I can." Logan told him.

"Oh really? Because her track record isn't exactly exemplary if you recall. She ran away from home, then from here and she mutilated herself for weeks before trying to suicide." Scott knew he was pissing Logan off but he hardly cared.

"She's done the best she could, she's had to deal with all of this alone." Logan defended her.

"And why is that Logan? Weren't you supposed to be her friend? You didn't even notice she was in trouble."

"Neither did you! Any of us! No one noticed." His last statement was quiet.

"We're all grieving Logan." Storm interjected before things got physical.

"That's no excuse."

"No, it isn't. And we won't let it happen again but there's no point in arguing who could have done what." She told him.

"She shouldn't be alone. No one should." Logan's eyes darted towards Scott for the briefest of moments and the room was silent. Scott and Storm were stunned but the Professor had a small smile on his face.

"Logan is right. No one should be alone here." Charles told them. The argument was officially over as they discussed the other students and the plan to have them all attend a weekly therapy session. The sessions would be designed to help them deal not just with Jean's death but with what was going on in the world and their places in it.

What the Professor hadn't told any of them was that Rogue had agreed to let him monitor her without forewarning. He would look in on her state of mind on a regular basis, just deep enough to ensure she wasn't hiding anything from him in their sessions. She understood that she'd broken their trust and that earning it back would be a long road. One she still wasn't sure she wanted to take but Charles had elicited a sincere promise to at least try.

The meeting was adjourned and Logan went to find Rogue. He found her studying in her room. "Heya kid."

"Hi Logan."

"How are you?"

"My chest is getting better. It doesn't hurt too much when I breathe anymore." She paused and bit her lower lip. "So what did you all decide?"

"Decide?"

"C'mon Logan, recent activity excluded I'm not stupid you know." Her tone was self-mocking and her face was sad, he frowned at her but answered.

"That you shouldn't be alone."

"I'm getting a roommate?" Her face showed puzzlement. He chuckled and sat on her bed.

"No. It means that your friends will be more vigilant." She smiled slightly then came to sit next to him.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"Do you know where the knife is?" It was such an unexpected question he was struck speechless for a moment.

"I don't. Why do you want to know?" Her face reddened.

"I don't want to use it if that's what you're thinking."

"You'll have to ask the Professor."

"Ok." Her reply was soft. "Did everyone see? The marks I mean?" He sighed.

"Yeah they did. Why were you in your bathing suit?" The subject was uncomfortable for both of them but Logan pressed on.

"So that if someone found me they wouldn't be able to help me."

"You really wanted to die." His voice was barely above a whisper.

"I did." She whispered, her head so far forward her hair hid her face.

"I've been there." Her head jerked in his direction but his eyes were far away. "I've been to that place, that dark place inside that's never satisfied. The place that holds all of your failures and replays them over and over until that's all you can see." He blinked then looked at her. "I'm sorry you had to go there alone Marie."

"Did you ever-? I mean-" She broke off, not quite wanting to say the word.

"Try to kill myself? Yeah, I did, but I couldn't do it. Physically I mean. I would always wake up. But then I got a real taste of death and I lost my stomach for it. I hope that you lost yours. Because that's a bad place Marie, a real bad place."

He looked down as she twined her fingers in his. "I did Logan, lose my stomach for it I mean. When I did it, it was all I wanted. I thought things would be better if I was dead. Better for you all and better for me." She was going to continue but he gripped her hand and lifted her face to look at him.

"You were wrong."

"I know that now."

"You better." She smiled at his big brother tone and was glad he didn't ask her why. The conversation she'd had with…the presence in her mind had been more than just intellectual, it had been emotional as well. She spoke to the Professor about it since he'd had contact with it too, but she wasn't ready to tell anyone else about it. Especially Logan, they hadn't spoken for a long time and she wasn't yet comfortable with him again to tell him all of what had happened.

"I do." She replied and he let her face go but not her hand. They sat in silence for a few minutes before he spoke again.

"It was you Marie, you that showed me death. And the reasons for not craving it."

"Me?" Her voice and face were both stricken and she tried to pull her hand away but he wouldn't let her.

"The Professor told me I was moments from death that first time you touched me. But I knew, I actually felt it. I felt death coming for me and that's when I lost my stomach for it." He looked at her face and realized he'd said the wrong thing. There was a look of horror written in her eyes and he knew the only reason she wasn't running from him was that he had a hold of her hand.

"Oh my God."

"Marie-"

"Oh my God, Logan." The anguish in her voice matched her eyes.

"Marie-"

"Oh my God." He grabbed her by the shoulders and gave her a good shake. She stopped talking and just stared at him. He suddenly felt ashamed, she was still recovering from the last couple months and he'd gone and laid this at her feet without explanation.

"Fuck." He let his hands drop and he ran them through his hair. "You have to understand." He tried to explain, "I'd never had a reason to live before, except for revenge. And I didn't even know who it was I was looking for. I've been mortally wounded dozens of times, sometimes by accident, sometimes not, but it was always like getting knocked out, I'd just wake up and be back to normal in minutes. I was living a life without consequence." Logan took a breath, wondering if he'd ever spoken this much to anyone, ever. Her face was looking less stunned but no less horrified.

"Do you remember me yelling for help after I stabbed you?" She nodded. "I wasn't afraid _of_ you I was afraid _for _you. Then you touched me and I felt real fear for myself. When I woke up the Professor told me that you could have killed me had you held on much longer. It felt _different_, and it wasn't something I wanted to ever feel again."

"Then how-?"

"Liberty Island?" He guessed correctly.

"How could you?"

"I found something worth dying for." She shook her head. "I didn't want death but I was willing to trade my life for yours."

"Like Jean did." The horror was slipping slowly from her features. "Maybe you should have let me go." It was almost a question.

"Not a chance."

"I'm not a very useful part of the team."

"You're more important here than I think you know."

"But I don't have a useful mutation, and now that it's gone…"

"It's not our mutations that make us valuable."

"But how could I help? I'm not a computer wiz, or a good fighter, I can't phase, I'm not a telepath and the only way I was ever able to help was to nearly kill the person I touched." She didn't add then having them inside her where she had to constantly work to suppress their thoughts and memories, something she had gotten better at over time. Even if no one blamed her for Jean's death, and though she was coming to accept that it really _hadn't_ been her fault, she still felt useless.

Logan shook his head. He didn't know how to get through to her but he couldn't stop trying. "You can learn to fight, you could learn to fly." He winced as her face tightened and he knew she was fighting back tears. "But even if you don't you're still ours and you belong here."

Tears were threatening to fall and Logan thought she looked almost angelic with the shine in her eyes. He hated it when women cried but instinct told him that leaving would be a big mistake. Instead he put his arm around her shoulders and felt her body heave with the first sob. He pulled her closer as she cried and wished he could be of more help.

He rocked as he stroked her hair and rubbed her back. She clung to him and slowly her sobs turned into less violent grief. He plucked her a Kleenex from her night table. She was silent for so long he thought she might have fallen asleep but he noticed her breathing was shallow, not deep. He pushed her carefully away from him and he saw her hands were on her chest and she was very pale.

"Ow." She said weakly. He picked her up and she felt tiny and insubstantial in his arms, though she was nearly as tall as he was. She had her arms around his neck and her head on his shoulder, she wasn't protesting in any way so he knew she must be in considerable pain. He took her straight to the med lab.

It took only a few minutes to get there but by the time he kicked open the door Rogue was slipping in and out of consciousness. "What happened?" The doctor asked Logan as he laid her down on the bed.

"She was crying pretty hard, I think she hurt her chest." The doctor nodded briefly, over his initial shock of his door crashing open without warning. He looked in Rogue's eyes and slipped a monitor onto her finger, the room was filled with a quick beeping. Her breath was coming in short, shallow gasps and she was moaning though her glassy eyes indicated she wasn't fully with them.

"What's wrong with her?" Logan demanded.

"Could be a lot of things, let me check her." He listened to her chest, looked in her eyes and studied the monitors he was hooking up to her. He slipped an IV quickly into her left hand and started fluids. It had been five minutes or less but Logan was losing patience.

"What's wrong with her?"

"I can't be sure until I do some further checks, but I think she's having a heart attack."

"A heart attack? But she's only eighteen!"

"Her suicide attempt put a lot of strain on her heart, I assure you it's possible." The doctor was gathering other instruments, "If you could get me Ms. Munro and Professor Xavier." There was an order in his tone and Logan suppressed his natural disinclination to accept orders and was halfway upstairs when he remembered he didn't need to physically find them.

'_Professor?_' Logan sent out his thought.

'_Yes Logan?_'

'_It's Rogue, the doctor needs you, and Storm_.'

'_We're on our way_.'

Logan returned to the lab where Rogue was now hooked up to a variety of machines, all beeping away, he wasn't sure if he should be hoping for the beeps to sow down or speed up. Storm was there in moments. "Ms. Munro, if you could assist me."

Storm nodded and quickly washed her hands before putting on a pair of gloves. "Logan, you should leave." She told him.

"No way."

"I'm going to undress her."

"Oh." Logan stood just outside the door, his back to the room, but his ears picked up every comment made by either the doctor or Storm, he heard nothing from Rogue. The Professor arrived a couple of minutes later, Logan told him what little he knew and followed him into the med lab.

"Logan. I don't think you should be here." Storm told him.

"I'm not leaving her alone."

"She's not alone Logan, but if she pulls through-"

"When." He growled.

"When she pulls through she'll be embarrassed if she knew you were watching." Logan wanted to argue but he knew she was right.

"You'll call me with any news." His voice was quiet but it was unmistakably an order, to anyone and everyone who was listening.

"We will." Charles replied.

'_If her mutation resurfaces…This is different than before_.' Logan left the rest of his thought for the Professor to pick up on his own.

'_I'll let you know Logan, it's all right_.' Charles assured him. Logan left, first he headed outside to have a smoke but realized he was way too wound up so he went to the Danger Room. He started a scenario and tried to lose himself in the violence. He was sweating, and roaring as he destroyed enemy after enemy and still he wasn't sated. The smell of the fake blood wasn't satisfying so when he heard the Professor in his head he was ready for something else.

He took a very quick shower and was back in the med lab within seven minutes. "What?"

"It was a heart attack." Charles told him.

"So what now? What's the treatment?" Logan asked.

"She's had the treatment, her heart is weak, there's not much more that can be done at this time. She'll either have more infarctions until her body can't take it anymore, or she'll get better."

Logan ignored the possibility of an eighteen year old dying of a heart attack and spoke, "She might get better?"

"It's possible but unlikely." The doctor said. The room was silent for a few minutes.

"We should let her rest." The Professor said, dismissing them, "I'll stay with her."

Storm and Logan left the lab, he stalked towards the elevator and she followed. "It looks like she may get her wish after all." Storm's voice was sad.

"She's over suicide."

"That doesn't mean she wouldn't welcome death." His eyes met hers and the cold truth sat in the elevator with them, only dissipating with the opening of the doors. They parted ways, Logan heading who knew where and Storm going onto the terrace. The sky darkened somewhat but rain didn't fall, mirroring her tears.


	5. Reflections

Discovery Reflections

"_It's you_."

"Yes."

"_Why are you here?_"

"I'm not sure." There was a pause and Rogue felt the touch of an enormous mind on hers, it wasn't as gentle as the Professor's but it was brief and she was glad of it.

"_You're dying_."

"Dying? Why?" Panic tinged her thoughts.

"_Wasn't that what you wanted?_"

"I…I'm not sure anymore. What's wrong with me?"

"_Your body cannot heal itself_."

"Oh." There was silence and Rogue wondered if the voice she was familiar-yet-not-familiar with had gone.

"_Do you wish to live?_"

"I have a choice?"

"_There is always a choice_."

"But you said my body couldn't heal."

"_There is a way. Do you wish to live?_" Rogue wanted to answer yes right away but she found herself hesitating. The presence made it clear, even without speaking, that she had to mean her answer. A week ago all she could see was death, it was going to be a release from her pain, and the pain she caused others. She would have said no.

A couple of months ago she would have been able to answer yes immediately, and mean it. But that was before Alkali Lake. Her guilt wasn't a blanket to be shrugged off and forgotten, it clung to her the way her protective clothing did. Reminding her she was different, untouchable, a freak among freaks.

Before Jean's death she was in a good place. She wasn't happy, but she was finding her place in the school, with other mutants and even on the X-men. She had found friends. But she had pushed them all away, or allowed them to drift off without resistance. Hell, only Logan knew what had happened, what she'd tried to do. He didn't judge her, but what would her other friends think?

Would Bobby understand or would he look at her the way he'd looked at John when he destroyed the police cars? Rogue wasn't sure she wanted to be Bobby's girlfriend anymore but she did know she didn't want him looking at her with horror and pity. That she couldn't stand. She hated being hated but being pitied was the worst. No, check that, guilt was the worst.

Guilt was the omnipresent reminder that you made the wrong decision. And in her case, that decision caused someone to have to sacrifice themselves. Despite knowing she was no longer blamed, Rogue sill keenly felt that stab of realization that she contributed to someone's death. She wondered if the others struggled with the same guilt she had?

If she chose death she might never know. Curiosity used to be one of her defining features. It drove her to put off college for a year to take her cross-country road-trip. That trip was prematurely embarked upon more than a year early thanks to the surfacing of her mutation. Now she'd seen enough to make her sick to her stomach with the death, rage and pain she'd encountered. Not always directed at her but she'd seen more than she'd cared to at the time.

Choosing life would be so much harder than letting death take her. If she just slipped away her problems would be over. It was a technicality but she wouldn't be committing suicide. She knew that was a cop-out though. She had to choose, that much was clear. Life or death. She didn't know how she could live but if it was a real choice she had to make it.

If she truly could live, could she manage it? Did she even deserve it? With her mutation gone she could almost be normal. But where would she go? Would the Professor let her stay if she was a non-mutant? If her mutation never re-surfaced she would be normal. But she couldn't go home, not after what happened before she left.

What if her mutation came back? The horror of that thought after her very short reprieve made her go cold and she shivered. But if it came back gradually it was possible she would gain control over it. That thought was enough to chill her again. Control. She would be a mutant, she would have a home at the mansion and with the team. But if she could control her power, then she could touch people.

She wouldn't be the pariah she had been for months. She wouldn't have to walk around covered from head to foot, she could feel the sun on her skin in the summer, she could go barefoot. And sleep in regular pyjamas again. People wouldn't have to look her over before coming nearer, she wouldn't have to worry about being in a crowd and accidentally touching someone. She could shake someone's hand without explaining why she was wearing gloves, she could hug someone, she could kiss.

But life wouldn't be easy. Her mutation might come back without her gaining control and she would have to go back to the way it was. She would have to re-gain the teachers' trust, and Logan's. She would have to deal with Bobby, and Bobby maybe with Kitty. She would have to learn to deal with her emotions all over again.

There was a time she was a normal girl. But now she wasn't normal and she was approaching being a woman, and not handled it particularly well. The Professor was going to help her with her guilt, anger and self-esteem issues. That alone embarrassed her and made her want to hide where she was, embrace death so she wouldn't have to admit to her weaknesses.

Rogue had never thought of herself as strong before, after all she was just a normal teenager in a normal house. But then her mutation surfaced and she had to deal with the fallout from Cody's coma. Then when it became clear she was no longer welcome at home or in her hometown she left. She ran away. Her time on the road had made her wary and street-wise but not brave, she felt it in her stomach the whole time.

Why she wasn't terrified of Logan when she saw his claws come out she never knew. If she hadn't been half-starved she might have been but all she saw was someone else who was different, someone who might understand, someone who might help. Ok, maybe not help but at least tolerate her presence till she got somewhere safe.

Then she ended up at the mansion and had found hope. But that hope had been crushed by all that had happened. To end up where she had was a bit of a miracle, and that included living after Magneto's machine, how could she refuse her second second chance?

"I'm not sure I deserve to live."

"_Everyone deserves to live. It is a divine right. Life is gift._"

"But I've done so many bad things."

"_Was that your intent?_"

"No."

"_If there is no intent there is no crime_." Rogue thought on that. Eventually she spoke.

"I choose life."

"_Are you sure?_ _It will not be easy._"

"I know."

"_Are you ready?_"

"Yes."

"_It is done_."

"What is?"

"_I have restored your mutation and informed the Professor. He will use Logan's healing ability to save you."_

"What?" Her mental voice was stricken.

"_It is the only way. Do you change your mind?"_

"No." There was resignation in her reply but also a new strength that she was going to have to learn to draw from. "Will I have control?"

"_Is that your wish?_"

"Very much so."

"_Very well, it is done_."

"You can do that?" The awe was evident. Rogue wished she could remember who this presence who's power seemed to all-encompassing was.

"_I can._"

"Thank you."

"_You are welcome_." With that formal sentence the presence was gone and Rogue was alone. She fell into a deep sleep, wondering if she would remember the conversation that already seemed more like a dream than reality.

Elsewhere Logan had been waiting for news. He was watching hockey, drinking a beer and thinking. Most people thought of him as a man of action, not given to preponderance, they were wrong. No one who spent as much time alone as Logan did could survive if they couldn't be kept company by their own thoughts. And right now he was wondering how things had gotten so fucked up.

A few months ago things were status quo. He would go from bar to bar, fighting for money and booze, moving from place to place, trying to sniff out his past. Then he gave Marie that ride and ended up in New York. Not that he objected to New York, or even to the school, but he was used to not being tied to anyplace or anyone.

He'd stayed initially out of curiosity with Jean and his sudden protective instincts towards the kid. But now. Now Jean was gone, dead. He mourned her the way he mourned the life he couldn't remember, as something that could have been. He had no idea if she'd ever have left Scott for him, he guessed it didn't really matter anymore. But she was brilliant and had died much too early.

He'd been distancing himself from everyone since her death. He didn't consciously notice this until Scott had told him Rogue had tried to kill herself. He'd been pulling back from her, the way she'd been, and he'd been pulling away from everyone else at the mansion, like she had been. They'd both been getting lost and no one had noticed. He wasn't surprised she had tried to kill herself, after all, many others would have found her mutation reason enough.

He was saddened by it nonetheless. He couldn't judge her since he'd been in that position in the past more than once. However he'd hoped that she could get through it, with help from the Professor and maybe some from him as well. Her mutation having been gone was a mixed blessing. Not having it had brought genuine joy even hours after she'd tried to die. But it could prove more pain if it returned, especially if it returned without her gaining control.

He thought he understood the Professor's reasoning for not having him use his mutation to save her the first time even if he didn't agree. But now that the option was no longer there he wondered if shouldn't have been more insistent. This whole situation pissed him off and he was halfway out of his chair, on the way to start a personal war with Magneto, before good sense took over and he sat back down.

Fuck.

A/N: Sorry for the short chapter but I'll post again soon I promise, thank you all so much for your reviews….keep 'em coming please!


	6. Choices

Choices Choices

'_Logan._' The Professor's voice was in his head.

'_What_?'

'_It's Rogue, meet me in the med lab_.' Logan didn't bother answering. He drained his beer and went immediately to the hidden stairs leading to the basement.

Logan arrived to find just him and the doctor there. Charles arrived five minutes later, looking like he hadn't just gotten out of bed. The machines surrounding Rogue were beeping, proclaiming to those who knew how to read them, the health of the girl in the bed. Logan presumed things had gotten worse. Rogue's face was very pale, her lips slightly blue, her chest moving too slowly up and down.

Logan looked towards Charles who was talking mentally with the doctor. Logan was irked, clearly they weren't speaking aloud in order to keep him out of the conversation. "What?" He growled.

Charles guessed the reason for Logan's irritation, "There's been a development."

"Tell me something I don't know."

"She has been deteriorating so the doctor put her into a coma to try and help her heal. Her brain activity should have slowed to that of someone in deep sleep but her brain waves indicated intense thought. While her brain is clearly active her body isn't responding to the treatments." Charles paused for breath but he saw that Logan wasn't listening to him anymore.

Logan was in stasis. His body was as still as Charles had ever seen him and his eyes were locked on the small girl in the large bed. She had been moved from the gurney after her first heart attack. The bed she was in was designed to take whichever form occupied it, and Rogue was far from the largest of their team. Charles guessed Logan was reliving when Rogue had almost died in Magneto's machine.

'_Logan._' Charles spoke gently inside the man's head to bring his focus back. "There's more." Logan acknowledged him so Charles started to explain the presence he'd felt in his mind warning him about Rogue and the subsequent explorations and blockages he'd experienced. "It spoke to me a few moments ago. It seems Rogue's mutation has been returned to her."

"How?"

"I don't know. Logan wait." Charles stopped him as he reached for Rogue's hand. "I don't want you sprawled on the floor. I think it would be best if you were laying down. And the doctor would like to administer some drugs to help her out of the coma." Logan nodded and helped the doctor move a gurney next to Rogue's bed. He'd briefly considered climbing into it with her but he was afraid of what she'd think if she woke up with him in her bed.

He sat down on the edge of the gurney and took a better look at her, this kid that had him literally jumping at the chance to be drained of his life's essence. Aside from looking like she was on death's front porch, which, he supposed, she was, she looked both younger and older than her seventeen years.

Her face wasn't serene, not even in sleep, but it was still exquisite. She wasn't as delicate as Storm, or as striking as Jean, even with the white streaks in her hair, but there was something there that held the eye if one cared to look. He watched as the doctor injected something into her IV and the smell was sharp in his nostrils. He watched the machines and finally nodded. Logan thought it was all pretty stupid since in a few minutes she'd be as good as new, but he was warned mentally by the Professor to just let him carry on.

In a few minutes he was done and he left Logan and Charles to look after his patient. Charles watched as Logan took Rogue's hand without ceremony and waited. In a moment it was evident that her mutation had indeed returned. Charles was halfway afraid it hadn't and he would have to restrain Logan from destroying the lab the man was wound so tight.

Logan felt the pain and the rush he'd felt twice before and closed his eyes to it. He felt himself getting weaker but he still wouldn't let go. He felt himself losing consciousness and he flopped back onto the gurney, not noticing his hand being pried away from Rogue's.

Charles placed Rogue's hand back on her bed and did his best to make sure Logan wouldn't fall off the gurney onto the floor. He unhooked the monitors from her, leaving her IV in. He checked on them both mentally, satisfied he stripped his latex gloves off and discarded them then settled in to wait for them to wake.

Logan woke first after only a few minutes. "Is she ok?"

"She's better thanks to you." Charles told him.

"Why isn't she awake?" Logan sat up, his hung-over feeling already starting to disappear.

"I broke your contact early. I'll let you do it again in a little while but I didn't want her draining you completely or too quickly." Logan grunted in response. Charles was amused despite the seriousness of the situation. "There's something interesting about her recovery though."

"What's that?"

"Look at her legs." Logan slid the sheet aside and saw that she still had the old scars and scabs from cutting herself.

"It seems you healed her most recent injuries first."

"So the scars won't go away until she's completely healed."

"So it seems." Logan sat on the gurney again, and this time reached over to touch her arm. His eyes were focused on her legs but the scars didn't disappear before he slipped into oblivion. Charles separated them at what he thought was the right moment. As before, it took only minutes until Logan woke.

"Her scars are still there."

"Yes, but they have faded, she is almost completely healed from her suicide attempt as well as her self mutilation. However I am not sure we should go any further."

"Why?"

"She is clearly no longer in any physical danger, and I believe that a physical reminder of where she has been will help her with where she needs to go. My hope is that her physical scars heal as her emotional ones do."

"She's waking up." Logan said. "Rogue?"

"Water." She croaked without opening her eyes. Charles took a cup from next to the table and handed it to her. She drank slowly but finished the entire cup before sighing, opening her eyes and speaking.

"What happened?"

"You had a heart attack." Charles told her. She closed her eyes for a few moments as she played with the straw from her cup.

"I think I remember. Am I going to be ok?"

"Yes, thanks in part to Logan."

"Logan? Oh!" Her eyes shot open as she remembered. '_Professor. The voice, the presence, it spoke to me again_.' The Professor told her he'd told Logan about it, though not that it had spoken to her as well.

"So it's back." She said aloud, they all knew she meant her mutation.

"It is." Charles replied. '_We'll talk more about it later_.' Rogue nodded. "You're free to return to your room. We told everyone that you had a relapse so you are unlikely to have any visitors right away."

"Thank you Professor."

"Not at all dear. Glad to have you back." She blushed slightly as he left the lab.

"Are you all right?" Rogue asked.

"Yeah I am, you know that." There was a hint of a smirk on his lips and she smiled.

"Yeah, but I have to check you know."

"Yeah? Why's that?" Logan said perching on the edge of her bed.

"Because it's what you'd do." He didn't reply and when their eyes met she didn't drop her gaze like she would have before. "Thank you." He shrugged. "It's not nothing Logan. I know it's painful and dangerous."

"Well I figure I owe you kid."

"Why's that?"

"Because I let you down."

"It's not your fault Logan."

"Not entirely no. But I didn't talk to you, I thought I was giving you space but I was pulling away from you and everyone else. If I'd paid closer attention I wouldn't have let it get this bad." He reached for her hand but she jerked it back. He cocked his head then went to a rack of drawers. It took him a minute to find what he was looking for, by the time he resumed his spot on the bed he was able to safely take her hands.

She smiled sardonically at him but squeezed his hands back. "Thank you." He rolled his eyes and shrugged as he let go of her hands and got off the bed.

"Yeah yeah yeah. C'mon, let's go."

"Where?"

"The kitchen. I know I'm always starving after I heal." She smiled to let him know she felt the same. He offered her his hand as she climbed out of the bed. She was in a gown and when her bare feet hit the floor she did a little dance.

"Cold." She replied to his raised eyebrow. He chuckled. He tried not to notice how short the gown was as she crossed the room to get her clothing. Her skin was peaches-n-cream and instead of ruining them, her scars made her legs look more appealing in contrast. Logan shook his head as he turned his back so she could change. He stuffed the latex gloves in his pocket and wondered just where the Hell that line of thinking had come from.

"What day is it?" She asked as they walked upstairs.

"Thursday." It was just before midnight and the mansion was pretty quiet. They raided the kitchen and cooked in comfortable silence. When Rogue picked up a knife to cut a tomato she paused for just a second, then she continued on. They sat down at the island counter to eat and once Logan cracked his beer Rogue took it from him for the first sip.

"Hey! Underage. And mine." He was almost pouting when she gave him the beer back.

"Right, like you're a stickler for rules." She raised her eyebrow in a mimicking gesture. "Besides," she said taking another bite before looking out blankly into the hallway, "It's my birthday."

"Your birthday?"

"Yeah, happens the same time every year." She was being flip on purpose, it was hardly a joyous occasion.

"Marie." She blinked, he hadn't called her that in months.

"It's Friday morning right? That makes it my birthday and if I want a sip of beer I'll have one."

"But it was _my_ beer." Suddenly they both laughed. "Happy birthday kid." He clinked his bottle with her water bottle and they both drank then finished their late-night dinner.

"You don't have to walk me to my room Logan."

"I know." He told her without pause. In a moment they were at her door and she paused, not sure what to say so she settled for goodnight.

"G'night kid." He said, then before she turned he stepped in and kissed the top of her head. "And happy birthday."

"Thanks, g'night Logan." She closed the door behind her and without turning her lights on she walked over to her bed and laid down on it. She stared at the ceiling, just thinking.

It had been reflex to yank her hand back when Logan tried to touch her though she had remembered the final gift the presence had offered her. There was a lot to absorb and she wanted to think on them but she was exhausted. Her body was as good as ever but she was emotionally exhausted and couldn't think straight.

She sighed and got up and went through her bedtime routine and by the end she was ready to sleep. She opened the window to let the cool air in and slid between the sheets of her freshly made bed with another sigh, but this one of physical contentment.

Rogue was in deep sleep when the voice came to her.

"_Rogue_."

"Jean?"

"_It's me_."

"It was you."

"_What was me_?"

"When I almost died, that was you."

"_Yes_."

"How is this possible?"

"_Do we have to go over this again_?" There was the sense of redness and Rogue felt the barriers in her mind open up and she remembered

"Jean where are you?" The redness faded and it was just the two of them again.

"_I don't know exactly, I haven't been able to figure it out yet_."

"How come you don't tell anyone you're alive?"

"_I, well, I'm not sure, I just can't. I've tried getting through to Scott and the Professor for a while, I don't even know how long_."

"How come you can talk to me?"

"_I can't honey, I can only talk to your unconscious self_."

"And I won't remember this in the morning."

"_So I've found_."

"You can talk to others at night?"

"_Yes_." Her mental voice was sad.

"You talk to Scott, but he doesn't remember_."_

"_Yes_."

"I'm sorry." Rouge felt ashamed. She had been so focused on her own pain that she'd not thought about how Scott must have been feeling.

"_Don't_."

"Don't what?"

"_Don't feel shame, just because someone else's pain is more than yours doesn't make your pain insignificant_."

"You're right. Will I remember that?"

"_Your subconscious will remember some of it, but mostly you will forget unless I'm with you_." Rogue mentally nodded.

"So it was you who gave me back my powers." Rogue had decided to call them that since she had made the choice to take them back.

"_I was the conduit, yes_."

"What do you mean?"

"_I can't tell you_." There was an absoluteness to her tone and Rogue knew that she wouldn't get a further explanation.

"Thank you." Rogue didn't need to explain that she meant more than just her control, which she hadn't yet tested.

"_You are welcome_."

"So, if you can only talk to people when they're asleep or unconscious, how did you contact the Professor?"

"_I'm not entirely sure. I've been trying to break through during the day for a long time, but something always blocks me. But when it was almost too late I felt a loosening and I was able to get through for a few seconds, then I was blocked again_."

"Thank you."

"_You already said that._"

"You gave me more than I could have asked for, and more than I'd ever wanted. I just wish there was something I could do for you."

"_Just do your best to get better_."

"I will." She promised. Then she felt Jean leave, her goodbye a whisper of a thought.

The morning sun woke Rogue but she decided to sleep in some more, she wasn't quite ready to face everyone and with most of the students going on a weekend field trip, she hoped to make it till Sunday afternoon or even Monday before she had to see anyone. She finally emerged from her room around ten and went to find the Professor.

She located him in his office, "Do you have some time?"

"Of course Rogue, come in." He indicated the couch and he came around from behind his desk. "How are you feeling today?"

"Better."

"You wanted to talk about what happened in the last few days?" She nodded, tears suddenly filling her eyes. The Professor brought her a box of Kleenex as her tears turned to wracking sobs. He sat next to her, his hand on her shoulder while she cried. Slowly her tears subsided. "Better?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry I don't know why that happened."

"You've had a very emotional couple of weeks, it's quite natural for things to spill over once in a while." She smiled thinly at him.

"I think that's the first time I've cried in months."

"That might be part of the problem." She contemplated that for a little while before he spoke again. "But that's for another time, I think you wanted to tell me about the presence?"

"Yes." She took a deep breath to steady herself. "I was dying right?"

"You were." The Professor explained her medical condition and confirmed that yes, she had been dying.

"The presence came to me again, it gave me a choice."

"A choice?"

"It asked me if I wanted to live or die." He waited while she formulated her thoughts, knowing that though her answer had been life, that it wasn't as simple as it seemed. "I had to think about it." She went on to tell him her thoughts over it and the reasons she made the choice she had. "But the only way for me to live was to accept my powers."

"You call them your powers now?"

"I decided that since I chose to have them back that I'd have to accept them."

"That's very mature thinking. But there's more isn't there?"

"Yes, I was given control." Her tone was guarded.

"But you haven't tested it yet?" She shook her head. "Are you afraid?"

"Yeah. What if I don't do it right? What if I hurt someone? What if-" Charles held up his hand to stop her.

"Rogue, calm down. You don't have to test it out right away. And there are ways you can practice without endangering other people. The Danger Room can be programmed to respond to your mutation so you can practice without using real people."

"I never thought of that." He smiled and patted her gloved hand.

"I thought not my dear."

"Can I ask you a favor Professor?"

"You want to know where the knife is." He wasn't reading her thoughts, simply letting her impressions flit into the front of his mind, in the manner of watching television with the sound off.

"Yeah."

"Why is that?" She shrugged, embarrassed by her reasons. The knife had been her only friend for a long time, it had helped her calm her guilt and the pain in her heart and then it had helped her let go.

"I kind of wanted to say goodbye. I thought I might bury it on the grounds." Charles considered, it was an unusual request but he supposed it made sense from her perspective. It might even be a symbolic way of letting her unhealthy behaviors slip into the past.

"I have it, when did you want to do it?"

"I was thinking today. It's my birthday and I thought maybe it could be a new start for me."

He nodded, purposely not acknowledging her birthday, there would be time for that later. "There are spades in the greenhouse." He told her as he went to get the knife. "I would appreciate you placing it deep and not somewhere anyone is likely to come across it." He handed her the knife and she took it firmly.

"I'll put it in a box, and I know just the place." She promised. "Thank you Professor."

"You are welcome my dear." She left the office. '_And meet me at the Danger Room after lunch, we'll try out your control_.'

'_Yes Professor_.'

Rogue found the box in her closet and put the knife inside before going to the greenhouse. Spade in hand she walked to the bench where Mystique had tricked her her first week at the mansion. It took her almost half an hour to dig a hole she was satisfied with. She placed the box in the hole which was behind the bench and next to the tree it was under. She paused a moment before she started shoveling the dirt back in

She shook her hair out as she walked back to the mansion, hoping that that was the last she'd see of her old life.

**A/N; yeah I know the legal drinking age in New York is 21, but eighteen fit better with the story…and please, it's not like we're dealing in reality here. Smirk**


	7. Adaptations

Adaptations

**Author's Note: Firstly I am sorry for taking so long to update, I know how frustrating it is to be waiting for the next chapter. **

**Second, THANK YOU to all of you who have R & R'd for me and will continue to do so.**

**Third, I don't own any of the characters, so please don't sue me (all I have is my lovely little computer after all…).**

**Adaptations**

"Professor?" Rogue called out as she entered the Danger Room.

"I'm up here." His voice came from the control room. "Are you ready?"

"Yes." She set herself and the room morphed into one of the rec rooms at the mansion. Bobby was sitting on the couch. His image didn't say anything, just looked at her with a faintly questioning smile on his face.

She approached easily but when she sat on the sofa next to him his hand reached out to hers and she hesitated. He looked so real. Even though they hadn't been together for months, she still cared for him and didn't want him to get hurt. She reminded herself he wasn't real and took his hand.

She felt the rush start and she yanked her hand back. Her heart was hammering in her chest and she could feel her stomach churning. Since he was a figment of the room his memories didn't flow into her, but she felt _something_. She took some steadying breaths and tried again.

This time she concentrated on _not_ letting the rush come. She touched fake-Bobby's hand again and she felt the rush once more. She dropped his hand and blew out an icy breath. "Is that me or the room Professor?"

"I don't know what you mean Rogue."

"I had Bobby's powers for a minute."

"I'm not sure, did you have control over them?"

"It was too quick." She said.

"Ok, we'll try it again. Try to notice where the powers feel they're coming from."

"I'll try." Rogue was skeptical. She touched bare skin and instead of focusing on trying to control her power she let it flow for almost double the time she had before. She took her hand away and tried to form frost on it.

"Professor?"

"What is it?"

"I think the powers are coming from me." The frost melted from her hand and she had to lean back into the cushions since she was now slightly light-headed.

"Ok, lets try it again, I'm going to be with you this time, do the same thing you just did." She nodded. Fake-Bobby looked at her with the same trust real-Bobby had when they'd first gotten together and she felt her stomach clench with guilt. Even though he was just fake-Bobby she suddenly didn't want to practice on him.

_Just one more time Rogue. I want to see where these new powers are coming from. After you break the connection I want you to try to frost the windows._ The Professor said inside her head.

_All right_. She capitulated and touched bare skin. She felt the usual rush into her body at the contact point but none of the memories that came with it when she touched a real person. She held on for ten seconds before she felt too disgusted to continue.

_The windows Rogue_. The Professor reminded her. Almost absently she frosted them over and wiped her forehead with a frost-covered hand. Then she stopped to consider.

"Professor?"

_It seems you're accessing the memory part of your brain, not the area that controls mutations_.

"I don't understand."

_Let's try something else_. He said. Rogue could only nod. Her stomach was churning and she was dizzy so she put her head between her knees and breathed deeply until her head cleared and she no longer felt nauseous. When she sat up there was a woman on the sofa next to her.

She looked like the archetypical grandmother and she smiled reassuringly at Rogue. Rogue took the proffered hand and felt the rush. She only held on for a few seconds and when it was over she looked towards where the Professor was. _I don't feel anything._

_No, I didn't think you would_. He told her. _I think that's enough for today_.

"But I haven't made any progress." She protested as everything in the room faded except the couch she sat on.

"You've made more than you think. I think it's best you discover it for yourself, but we'll talk after you've had more practice. We'll do this again tomorrow." Charles told her in person from the observation room. Reluctantly she got up and left the room. She wandered slowly along the upstairs hall then out onto the grounds. She couldn't wrap her mind around what had happened in the Danger Room. The Professor thought she'd made progress but she didn't feel any different.

And how had she stolen Bobby's powers when it wasn't even really Bobby? And why had nothing happened when she touched the other image? She hadn't thought this much about her mutation before, before it had always been with loathing and determination to put an end to it.

Endless days and countless hours she'd spent trying to will it away and it hadn't made one bit of difference. And now when she was supposed to have control things were even stranger than they had been before. She sat on a bench with her hands in her lap as she watched the sun start to set. She tried over and over to find her mutation inside, but it was no good, without someone to practice on she didn't even know where to look.

The thought of using someone as practice turned her stomach, it was sick to play with people's lives. The Danger Room allowed her to do it in safety since they weren't real people but it didn't help ease her mind much. Her memories of taking other peoples' life force and powers was fresh every time she even brushed too close to someone, and this afternoon brought those memories back to stab at her.

It was obscene. What she was capable of doing to other people was an abomination, her dad had been right. Control wouldn't change anything, she'd still be a freak, the untouchable, capable of handing out death with an accidental touch. She watched the sun set with unshed tears stinging her eyes and burning her throat.

She sat there until all light was gone and the stars started to perforate the silken sky. She might have gone back on her own before long but a voice in the dark told her she wasn't alone. "Rogue?" It was soft so as not to startle her.

"Logan?"

"Planning on sleeping out here?" Logan asked her, he had scented her out after Charles asked him to find her. Logan didn't mention the fact that Charles could find her without trouble on his own. His senses told him she'd been in the same spot for hours now.

"No, I was just thinking." She said back, her voice quiet in reverence to the night.

"About what?"

"I tried to control my powers in the Danger Room." He waited for her to continue, listening to her breathe. "I couldn't control them, the Professor seems to think I've made progress but I don't feel any different or that anything's changed."

"I don't think he'd lie to you." Silence.

"No, I don't think so either, but his idea of progress seems to be different than most peoples'." She told him eventually. Logan understood this, Charles apparently knew more than he was saying about Logan's past but he wanted Logan to discover it for himself. It left a bad taste in the Wolverine's mouth but Logan trusted Charles nonetheless.

"That's probably true, but you're not quite recovered from all of this, give it a little more time." Her answer was a soft sigh. He put his arm around her shoulders and brought her in to lean on him. She stiffened but he was stronger and he eased her closer as she shook her hair out to be a barrier between them. She kept her hands in her lap but she did relax.

They were silent for nearly an hour when Rogue's stomach protested the late hour. "I suppose I should eat." She commented without interest.

"We both should." Logan said firmly, standing. He waited for her to rise and lead the way back to the mansion. She didn't notice how she was sure footed in the dark over the rough ground but Logan did, though he didn't comment.

Rogue was on her way to the Danger Room the next day when she passed Scott. Something in his body language made her look twice. Though she couldn't see his eyes there was still a haunted look to them that transcended the barrier. She reminded herself that Jean was a personal loss to everyone but none more than the man she loved. Minutes later she was in the Danger Room with the Professor.

"We're going to practice on non-mutants today." He told her and she was relieved. She wasn't quite ready to see a familiar face sitting next to her again so soon.

"Ok, Professor, I'm ready." She sat on the familiar sofa in the familiar room and turned to the woman next to her. She took the woman's proffered hand as she closed her eyes to concentrate. The rush took her even though she was focusing on keeping it from happening. She tried again and again until she was sweating from her efforts.

"How are you doing Rogue?" Charles asked her over the intercom.

"I can't stop it. But I think maybe I'm starting to feel where it's coming from."

"Good, we'll do some more tomorrow." Rogue left feeling better than she had yesterday, she almost felt as though she'd found what she was looking for. She was feeling better about her mutation but she wasn't cheery by any stretch and she avoided everyone to focus on her schoolwork.

Exhausted, she slept. "_Rogue?_"

"Jean." Rogue greeted her as the mental barriers dropped again. Rogue felt her probe her mind.

"_You're making progress_."

"It doesn't really feel that way." She admitted.

"_It's true, give it a little more time_."

"_Jean? Did you talk to Scott last night?"_

"_Why?_" Her voice was sharp with emotion.

"I saw him today, he looked…" She brought Scott's face to the front of her mind since she couldn't find the word.

"_I think I might be breaking through…maybe_." She said, "_I think he might remember talking to me when he wakes up. But not consciously, more like a ghost of a memory_."

"I'm sorry." Rogue told her.

"_For what?_"

"That you can't get through to him. He should know you're not…gone." Rogue thought they both seemed so lost without the other.

"_We are_."

Morning arrived and Rogue woke up with a knot in her stomach. It took her a few minutes to figure out why. It was the day she had to go for a 'session' with the Professor. She was, by nature, a private person, so sharing herself with someone came difficult, especially since that person could see inside her head.

She arrived at the Professor's office at the appointed time and he motioned for her to sit. She sat in the leather chair, feeling small and awkward. "Please try to relax Rogue."

"All right." She replied and forced herself to sit more casually, she closed her eyes for a moment to steady herself and when she opened them again she was more calm.

"Shall we talk about the Danger Room?"

"The Danger Room?"

"About how you felt when you were testing your control."

"I still don't know where it's coming from." He stopped her from continuing with a raised hand.

"That's not what I mean Rogue. I mean how did you feel about using your powers."

"Oh." She was quiet for a while, trying to formulate her thoughts. Charles brushed her subconscious, watching for her to catch the important emotions. "It felt wrong."

"Wrong?"

"I know they weren't real, but it still felt wrong to suck the life out of them. I mean, I know Bobby, I care about him, it's just not right to _practice_ on him, to try not to kill him. I know it wasn't him but it _felt_ like it was, it felt like I was stealing something from him. It feels wrong, it _is_ wrong. I just take and take and I can't give it back." She was trying to stay focused but her emotions were pouring out. "I'm stealing life from people! It's not mine to take, I don't want to take it, its not right that I can. It's not fair that people have to avoid me, they shouldn't have to be afraid I'm going to kill them just because I'm in the same room."

She paused and her voice dropped, "It's not natural. I know I was born with it but it's like a cancer, it eats away at all that's good and right and I can't control it. I know I'm supposed to be able to now but what does it really matter? I can still kill accidentally. At best I might not kill someone but I _hurt_ them. I nearly killed Logan twice! How is he supposed to see me as anything other than dangerous? I'm just a weapon like Magneto said. Not good for anything but death and pain."

Tears were now flowing down her face but her voice was still even, "Why should people have to be exposed to me? Why should they have to be afraid to walk past me in the hallway? I'm no good on missions, even if I get control, how can I help without hurting my teammates? Practice is a joke, even if I could control these powers, I can't use them for anything good. It's not fair to anyone to keep me around. The fact that I can't control my powers is just more proof."

Rogue went on for almost ten minutes, Charles waited for her to say it wasn't fair to her, but she never did.


	8. Experimentation

**A/N: First, thank you so much for your patience in waiting for this chapter. I know it has been a long time in coming but I had hit a block and I didn't want to post any old crap I could come up with.**

**So here it is, I hope you enjoy it…**

**Experimentation**

Two days later Rogue was in the Danger Room on her own. She figured the Professor knew what she was doing since she often felt touches in her mind that she presumed was him checking in on her, but no one else knew she was there, or what she was trying to do.

She was sitting on a log in front of a campfire, making it hotter and cooler, exercising John's ability. It left her feeling sick and exhilarated, like an oil slick on a fresh water pond. She forced herself to keep going, keep learning control. Even if her own powers were still on, if she could use the ones she'd stolen, maybe she wouldn't have to use hers again.

She kept at it for a half hour, before ending the program and starting her new one. Bobby's power left her cold, literally. She didn't seem as insulated from his as she did from John's. When she was manipulating the fire it didn't hurt her, but when she was using Bobby's power she got cold. Being from the south she wasn't used to cold and her fingers ached after only a few minutes of controlling a snowstorm.

She tucked her hands under her arms and waited till the numbness turned into burning before trying to freeze varying sizes of water. She found it wasn't the amount of water that mattered but the way in which she tried to freeze it that made a difference. An instant, solid mass was more difficult than a slower, crystallization was. Another twenty minutes and she could take no more.

"Start program Rogue Metal One." Her surroundings morphed into her former high school science lab. Magneto's power was in his DNA, he learned how to use it over the years, she didn't have that kind of time or that amount of intimacy with his mutation. She had his power, permanently it seemed, but she had to access it in order to use it, she wouldn't be able to learn by instinct, she had to learn by practice.

She had several common metals on a table in front of her. Lead, stainless steel, aluminum, silver, gold and iron. She spent a half hour familiarizing herself with their feel, their smell and their reactions to her power. Each metal felt different as she manipulated them and she was soon able to identify each one by smell and sense alone. She wanted to start her next program but her time was up.

Rogue caught up on her homework as she ate lunch alone. She could see Bobby glancing her way every now and then but she ignored him, until he sat next to her. "Rogue?"

"What?" Her voice was flat, not friendly but not unfriendly either, like she was talking to a stranger. Bobby paused, he wasn't expecting much but he needed to know.

"Do you still have my powers?"

"What?" She dropped her pencil in surprise and he retrieved it for her. "How did you know?"

"I can smell the ice on you."

"You can smell ice?" Ice came out sounding like _ahss_, her accent coming out strong with her surprise.

"And snow, and sleet, it all smells different. And I can smell it on you." His voice was low so no one would overhear. His ice-blue eyes held hers; reminding her of the feelings she once had for him and instead of walking away she spoke.

"I've been practicing." To his credit Bobby didn't ask her how it was possible.

"Did you want some help?" The question hung between them like a curtain for several moments.

"Not yet." Rogue looked down at her gloved hands, folded in her lap until Bobby got up.

"Ok."

"Thank you." She spoke softly and met his eyes briefly before he left the room. She turned back to her homework and tried to finish before her now-weekly session with the Professor.

"Rogue, I want you to see someone else."

"Professor?" Rogue was confused.

"A professional, a psychiatrist."

"Do you think I'm crazy?" It was a question and not an accusation.

"No, I think you might be depressed."

"Depressed?" Rogue was familiar with the concept in a vague way. She'd seen the commercials advertising anti-depressants.

"While I have a unique way of conducting a therapy session, as well as extensive training in that area, I'm not a doctor and my concern is that you may have a chemical imbalance that could be contributing to your issues." He explained.

"When?"

"Saturday."

"Do I have to?" She asked. The Professor asked instead of looking into her mind.

"Why the hesitation?"

"It's just, with my mutation only sort of under control I'm afraid that drugs could mess all that up." She sounded very teenager-ish and he felt her fear.

"I see." He took her gloved hand in his, an unusual gesture in their sessions. "While that may indeed be a possible side-effect, the drugs could be discontinued, if even you have to start taking them in the first place." Rogue seemed to think this over.

"I know, you're right, I'll go."

"Good."

The next day she was back in the Danger Room. "Start program Rogue Metal One." The lab materialized and Rogue spent ten minutes on each of her common metals before speaking again. "Start program Rogue Metal Two." The lab stayed but instead of raw material in front of her she had various objects made from metal alloys. She found the alloys more difficult to control, they tended to want to return to their separate states and she had to work to keep them together.

Half an hour later she was sweating and swearing but improving. Her time up she ended the program then left the Danger Room and headed towards the women's locker room to shower. She stopped just before her hand touched the metal door, she realized she _felt_ the door calling to her. It was like a slight vibration that begged to be touched.

Rogue concentrated on the vibration and pushed it away from her and the door moved slightly. She pushed harder and it almost opened. She shoved and it banged off the doorstop. "Oops." She giggled and went inside. She was half out of her clothes when the door banged open again. "Logan!" She shrieked in surprise and leapt behind a hastily opened locker door.

"I heard a bang." He was in battle-ready stance though his claws were still inside.

"It was the _door_!" Her voice clearly reprimanded him for not using his other senses to find out what was going on.

"Sorry." He didn't really appear sorry though he did straighten up and lean against the wall. "Doing some training?"

"Yes." _Why wouldn't he leave?_

"What were you working on?" He sounded truly concerned so she answered instead of ordering him out.

"My mutation." He nodded, respecting her choice not to tell him the whole truth.

"Did you want any help?" He took a step closer though that only took him to within ten feet of her and she felt something new. It was like a sweet, tangy taste in her mouth and she physically jerked when she recognized it as the adamantium in his body. "What's wrong? Are you okay?" He took two more steps closer and she managed to lift a hand to stop him.

"Yeah, yeah I am." Her eyes met his and there was awe in them. "Can I tell you about it later? After I get some clothes on for instance?"

"If you insist." Logan said. He smirked at her before leaving the locker room and it wasn't until she sighed and turned around that she understood why. Behind her, slightly off centre, was a mirror.

"Yeah sure, you can help." She mumbled as she stripped her bra and underwear off and started her shower, "You can be my new training buddy. I'm gonna see how much energy it takes to chuck you around the room for an hour."

An hour later Rogue slammed her textbook shut in frustration. She left her room intending to find the Professor but instead she found herself doing a search of Logan's usual haunts. She found him in the garage working on a motorcycle; not Scott's she noted. "Logan?"

"Heya Rogue." Logan said wiping his hands on an already dirty rag and standing to give her his attention.

"Can I talk to you about something?" She asked.

"Of course." He leaned against the nearby workbench. _Was the man _ever_ upright?_ The thought wasn't her own, but she had to admit the mocking truth of it, Logan seemed to be perpetually leaning.

"So I told you I was practicing." He nodded, "I wasn't using my own powers." He gave her a questioning look. "I guess I should start at the beginning."

"It would help me out some." He admitted. Rogue realized she was in for a long conversation so she perched on the motorcycle Logan had been working on.

"The Professor designed a program for me to practice controlling my powers." She started then stopped, remembering she'd told no one that she was supposed to be able to control her mutation. Suddenly this seemed like a really bad idea. "I'm sorry, I should go." She got up off the 'bike.

"Rogue wait." Logan said catching her arm. She turned and he saw hopelessness in her face and fear in her eyes. "Honey what's wrong?" He thought she was going to cry but he didn't smell the tang of impending tears.

"I don't know who I am anymore." When she'd opened her mouth to speak she hadn't known what was going to come out but she understood that all that had gone on in the last year and more particularly the last few months had caused her to get lost.

"Do you have afternoon class?" He asked her.

"No. Why?"

"Because I think it's time for a little road trip." Logan let her arm go to take her shoulders and turn her to face him. He pulled her into a gentle hug, "Ok?" She nodded. "Good, go change, we leave in fifteen minutes." She smiled slightly at him before leaving.

Back in her room Rogue changed into jeans, a long-sleeved shirt under a short-sleeved one and her scarf. She put her hair in a ponytail then threw on her leather boots, grabbed her jacket, helmet and gloves and met Logan back in the garage. He'd stashed the tools and 'bike parts, cleaned himself up a little and grabbed his motorcycle jacket. He'd also told the Professor that he was taking Rogue out for a ride.

He was sitting on the motorcycle when Rogue walked in, he held his hand out to her to help her onto the back of the 'bike. She took it and settled onto the back, removing her gloves long enough to fasten her helmet. The engine roared to life and she wrapped her arms around Logan as they took off.

Rouge was just about ready to forgive Logan for the locker room incident after five minutes. She loved the feel of being on the road, despite most of her road trips being survival-based she still felt that wanderlust deep in her chest and knew Logan felt the same. She didn't need him in her head to know that either. She had her arms around his waist, her body pressed to his and she felt his muscles relax as they got further from the mansion. His ease was contagious and she found herself relaxing as well, letting her problems slide to the back of her mind for the time being.

They rode seemingly aimlessly for an hour and a half before stopping. They were on a nearly deserted mountain roadside turnout and when Logan turned off the engine, the silence was intense. Rogue pulled off her gloves then her helmet as Logan parked the 'bike and got off to stretch. She slipped her helmet into a saddlebag and her gloves into her pockets then got off to walk out her kinks. She looked over the edge to the ribbon of water far below them.

The air was slightly crisp and she breathed deeply, content for the moment. She heard the crunch of boots on gravel approach and felt Logan's heat to her left. "It's beautiful." She said softly, leaning on him. He grunted in response but put his arm around her waist. The closeness was something neither of them was used to but was somehow easier out in the middle of nowhere.

"Did you want to tell me something?" Logan asked quietly. Rogue spoke haltingly at first but then easily and without pause for ten minutes. She told him of the mysterious presence in her mind when she was dieing, the promise of control, her struggle and failures in that area, then her discoveries regarding her stolen powers. She spoke dispassionately, like she was telling someone else's story rather than her own.

Logan took it all in in silence. "So you've got all the powers of everyone you've touched?"

"Not exactly, it seems to depend on the length of exposure. I have Bobby's, John's and _his_."

"What about mine?"

"I haven't tried that yet." They stood in silence for a while before Rogue pulled away to sit on the rock barrier at the edge of the turnout. "Speaking of you though."

"What about me?" Logan said, not looking at her as he lit his cigar.

"First, you're banned from the women's locker room unless you're blindfolded." He had the decency to look guilty. "And second, did you mean it when you said you'd help me with my powers?"

She was a study in contradiction right then. She looked tough, strong, in her denim and leather on her eighteen-year-old self but her voice was that of a child, afraid of being rejected, of being _feared_. Behind her eyes was the soul of a damaged child being guided in dangerous directions by the souls of grown men. However, he saw the spark, the part of her that fought for dominance, a part she had almost lost along the way.

He might have felt sorry for her, with just _him _in her head there was more than she deserved to be exposed to. Add to that the minds of an angry teenage boy, a Holocaust survivor and a couple other teenagers thrown in and it was bound to get crowded. He had faith in her though, with the right support she would overcome, be the best of them all. There was no hesitation when he answered, meeting her eyes.

"Yes, anything." She tilted her head.

"You might regret that." There was real concern in her voice. He grinned.

"I'm sure I will."

"I can guarantee you will if you ever try to see me in my underwear again." She made a conscious choice to be light-hearted in this and smiled back at him. "Thank you for taking me out here Logan."

"You're welcome Marie." He brushed a happy tear from her cheek with his thumb, the contact too brief to trigger her mutation, now was not the time for experimentation. "You ready to head home?" She nodded and took his offered hand, her own inside her sleeve for protection and warmth.

The ride home took almost three hours and two rest-stops and by the time the engine shut down for the final time Rogue felt almost content. After a shower and before she lost her courage, Rogue found Bobby. "Bobby? Can I talk to you?"

"Sure." He said, closing the book he'd been reading.

"Are you free after dinner tomorrow? For training I mean." She finished, figuring her first question sounded too much like she was asking him on a date. He thought for a moment before answering.

"I can be."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome." Their eyes met and they exchanged real fondness before breaking apart to decide on particulars. Rogue left Bobby to his book and returned to her room to finish the homework she'd neglected hours before.

Rogue paced anxiously in front of the Danger Room the next day, she stopped and broke into a nervous smile when Bobby appeared. They exchanged awkward hello's then Rogue led the way into the control room. It took only twenty minutes to design the program they needed since they used some of Bobby's original training programs as a base.

Rogue put on the parka she'd brought with her and then tried to apply what Bobby had been explaining to her. Within the hour she knew she was weeks ahead of where she'd have been had she been working alone. Any general sciences student knew that H2O was a deceptively complicated substance, now that Rogue had control over it she began to realize just _how_ complicated.

Water came in liquid, solid and gaseous form, all three of which had to be mastered and understood in order to effectively use Bobby's power. Again she was playing catch-up, Bobby's mastery of his abilities was instinctual whereas she had to learn. She didn't have his level of ability but she had all the same tools. Tools which she now found exhilarating to use.

He also taught her how to pull the cold from the surrounding air rather than from herself so she didn't get quite as cold. After two hours their time was up and they left the room. "Thank you Bobby." She said as they walked to the elevator together. She wouldn't need his help again for several weeks, she had lots to practice and might not need his help again, but she would be open to accepting more help if she found the need.

"You're welcome." The doors slid open and they parted in the main hall of the mansion and they went their separate ways. Rogue had a free Friday night and though she wanted to join the others in the rec room for a movie, she had a backlog of homework and a full weekend schedule. She waved at the Professor as she passed his office and he gestured for her to come in.

"Yes Professor?"

"You haven't changed your mind about tomorrow have you?"

"No." There was a moment of silence as he read the surface of her thoughts and emotions. Rogue wondered if she'd ever be alone with her own thoughts. There was no resentment in the wondering, she knew she'd have to re-earn the trust of the others somehow, and this was probably the quickest way. Never mind that even without the Professor's intrusion, she still had all those other people running around in there.

"That's good to hear. So you've told Logan about what's been going on the last few weeks?"

"Not about my appointment tomorrow though, I want to know what's going on before I say anything." She still wasn't sure about the whole anti-depressant thing but she promised to give it a try and she was going to be true to her word.

"Did you want someone to drive you tomorrow?"

"I should be ok, I googled the address, it looks fairly easy to find."

"All right then." He smiled at her, "Did you have a vehicle preference?" He was rewarded with a smile from her.

"The BMW?" He chuckled.

"Just keep it legal, or at least reasonable." She grinned and left his office. That night Rogue got another visit.

"_You're making progress_." The red-tinged presence dropped the curtain in her mind.

"Sort of. I seem to be getting the hang of Bobby's and John's but I still don't have control of my own."

"_But their power is now yours_." Jean told her gently.

"So I have to get control of their power first?"

"_Does that not make sense?_" Rogue thought about it.

"I suppose in some ways."

"_Just keep working at it, I'm sure you'll succeed_."

"I will." Rogue promised.

"_Good_." Then she was gone.

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So please tell me what you think…

**:-**


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